“Don’t be alarmed, I’m pretty sure those bumps are there for your pleasure.”

If I feed my mint plants mint tea, doesn’t that kind of make them cannibals?

What is the likelihood that exotic/wild type animals have ever eaten a person? And how much time needs to pass before a person can safely eat that animal without feeling like a cannibal? I ask this because of the conversation I just had with my father about the weird things we’ve eaten or would eat if presented with the opportunity. We’re both pretty adventurous eaters who will try most things, many of those things are herbivores, but some are not. Like alligator and snake and shark, which we both have had. And after I made a (hilarious) joke, we both laughed and then got quiet. Shit. But it isn’t like we caught the damn things and brought them home to cook, having no idea about their origins or history. We were at restaurants – restaurants that weren’t in Third World countries (mostly). Restaurants that have to source their ingredients from reputable places. They were probably farmed somewhere, thus eliminating any possible human meals.

What animals are most likely to have eaten a person? Alligators, big big snakes, komodo dragons, hyenas, wild dogs, big cats (like lions and panthers), vultures. That’s an easy list to avoid for the future.

“Hon, I was diagnosed as an incurable nymphomaniac, I figure I might as well make some money.”

“But honey, you’re the one who told me I needed professional help!”

“Easy, Bo*&jam$k!i, these humans prefer a confident, yet gentle entry!”