You were in seat 14B on July 4th, American Airlines flight #3150, YYZ to LGA, I was the girl to your left in the window seat. I wanted to tell you that I thought you were quite handsome, but I refrained as I feared I would wind up having to share my candy with you – you had offered me a stick of gum, remember? And not offering you any candy in return was already somewhat ungracious. So anyway, now that my candy is out of jeopardy, wow are you ever handsome!

If our flight was crashing, I’d have been totally open to making out with you, even though I’m much older and kind of married. I understand that you might not be as cool with the prospect at first blush, but think back, I really was the cutest person between rows 13 to 15. You would have had to go pretty far to reach the blonde with the side ponytail, and I think she was travelling with someone. And the man with the crooked smile and shaggy brown hair was even further still! Sure, that petite gorgeous brown haired woman was just a little bit behind us, but she was clearly Orthodox and it was NOT going to happen. I know that looks are a useless way to make determinations about people, but in a plane crash make out situation, I think it’s a safe go-to.

Anyway, as a polite young man I think you would have gone along with it to avoid hurting my feelings, which, by the way, I totally appreciate.

Bitches be stealin’ my clothes!

I like for the ladies to be built pretty much like I am, about my height, about my frame. I also like when girls are into fashion and style. Put these two things together and you wind up with the opportunity to double your wardrobe just by dating! Sounds great, right? Lesbian!

How can this possibly be a negative?

Because every single person who I have ever lent an item of clothing to, has looked better in that that item of clothing than I did!!! Every single time! This is okay if the person I’ve lent something to is going out with a group that I’m not a part of, but if they go out with people I know, then I can never wear that item with those people again! Sounds paranoid? Well fuck you.

The problem of course, is boobs. So long as the item fits, boobs make everything better: sweaters, blazers, blouses, even skirts and pants somehow. And everybody I know has bigger boobs than I do, which means they instantly look better in everything of mine that fits them. I could of course simply refrain from being with women who have bigger boobs than me, except, well, that sounds really depressing.

The Princess will have to do for me – his boobs may be bigger than mine, but he never wears my clothes. At least not in public.

Who would kill the spiders? There’s a time and place to be a dainty little girl, and that time is when there’s a spider in the house. Would the house just fill up with crawly things? Would we eventually just have to move? I’m not talking about flies or ants, I’m not an invalid, I can take care of those. I mean the bugs with all the legs that scramble across the floor faster than I can panic. Those are meant for boys to deal with.

Would that be considered as one of the household chores that get divvied up? I’ll take out the garbage, and you’ll kill all the bugs. I’ll do the laundry, you’re in charge of managing the crawly situation. Maybe a coin toss? Rock paper scissors? I’m willing to get close enough to cover them with bowls and cups, and I suppose the vacuum is a good disposal method. Except eventually someone has to change the vacuum bag, which by the time it needs changing could be teeming with maybe not so dead bugs. Teeming!

They may not have boobs, but boys kill bugs.

Sometimes boys have boobs.

It’s better when they don’t.

I’ve worn glasses since I was about 13. I lost my first pair at a party in high school and then wore contact lenses pretty exclusively for a few years. I bought a new pair of glasses when I was 20 or so, and over the course of a few years transitioned into wearing them most of the time. When I met the Princess, I was wearing contact lenses, but that was nearly 11 years ago, so he’s accustomed to me in glasses, expects me to be in glasses, is usually surprised when I decide not to wear my glasses. Alright, stage set.

I’ve had the same glasses for a long time, over a decade, and recently decided that it was time to add a couple of options to my main accessory. I bought two new pairs of cute specs and donned one of them for a dinner out with the Princess.

I swear, this is how it went down:

“Hey when did you get glasses?”

“About a week ago, you like?”

“I do, you look great. They must be clear glass I guess.”

“What? Of course not?”

“So, you need glasses now?”

“Of course, wait, what?”

“What?”

“You know I wear glasses, right?”

“Er.”

“You see me every day! In glasses!”

“I forgot!”

Seriously. I mean, I kind of get it – you wear something long enough they just become a part of your face, but sheesh!