C.T. Thomas @ GurgleSlurp.com


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Turkey is NOT a euphemism
January 11, 2013

To the grocery store bagger whom I groped most severely I assure you that it was entirely unintentional.  I suspect you are not even 17, and frankly, I’m just not into that. I tend not to consider you young people fully human until you’re at least 25. Anyhow, I had no idea what had happened until it was over This is not a slight against your burgeoning manliness You were holding the bag open while I eased the turkey in. The paper in plastic wasn’t cooperating, and I was merely attempting to unfold the crumpled edge of the paper bag.  Had we been using paper OR plastic, or one of our reusable cloth bags, this would not have happened. I was unaware that anything was amiss until I noticed that you were blushing profusely At which point I dropped the turkey and snatched my hands out of the bag. Sorry about your pinky finger, like the cashier said, it didn’t really look all that broken.

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Accidental cannibalism?
November 20, 2012

If I feed my mint plants mint tea, doesn’t that kind of make them cannibals?

What is the likelihood that exotic/wild type animals have ever eaten a person? And how much time needs to pass before a person can safely eat that animal without feeling like a cannibal? I ask this because of the conversation I just had with my father about the weird things we’ve eaten or would eat if presented with the opportunity. We’re both pretty adventurous eaters who will try most things, many of those things are herbivores, but some are not. Like alligator and snake and shark, which we both have had. And after I made a (hilarious) joke, we both laughed and then got quiet. Shit. But it isn’t like we caught the damn things and brought them home to cook, having no idea about their origins or history. We were at restaurants – restaurants that weren’t in Third World countries (mostly). Restaurants that have to source their ingredients from reputable places. They were probably farmed somewhere, thus eliminating any possible human meals.

What animals are most likely to have eaten a person? Alligators, big big snakes, komodo dragons, hyenas, wild dogs, big cats (like lions and panthers), vultures. That’s an easy list to avoid for the future.

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An extra package
February 22, 2012

To the UPS man whose junk I touched.  Rest assured I did not grope you intentionally. Because of the way the boxes were stacked I was unsure where the boxes ended and you began Which led me to over extend during the delivery hand off I appreciate your professionalism during the incident,  And will endeavour to be more mindful of package length in the future.

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