“Look, Jim, we in accounting know that you creatives have your own rules,

but did you really think shouting Avada Kedavra at the client

was helpful to anyone?”

Who would kill the spiders? There’s a time and place to be a dainty little girl, and that time is when there’s a spider in the house. Would the house just fill up with crawly things? Would we eventually just have to move? I’m not talking about flies or ants, I’m not an invalid, I can take care of those. I mean the bugs with all the legs that scramble across the floor faster than I can panic. Those are meant for boys to deal with.

Would that be considered as one of the household chores that get divvied up? I’ll take out the garbage, and you’ll kill all the bugs. I’ll do the laundry, you’re in charge of managing the crawly situation. Maybe a coin toss? Rock paper scissors? I’m willing to get close enough to cover them with bowls and cups, and I suppose the vacuum is a good disposal method. Except eventually someone has to change the vacuum bag, which by the time it needs changing could be teeming with maybe not so dead bugs. Teeming!

They may not have boobs, but boys kill bugs.

Sometimes boys have boobs.

It’s better when they don’t.

“Don’t be alarmed, I’m pretty sure those bumps are there for your pleasure.”

If I feed my mint plants mint tea, doesn’t that kind of make them cannibals?

What is the likelihood that exotic/wild type animals have ever eaten a person? And how much time needs to pass before a person can safely eat that animal without feeling like a cannibal? I ask this because of the conversation I just had with my father about the weird things we’ve eaten or would eat if presented with the opportunity. We’re both pretty adventurous eaters who will try most things, many of those things are herbivores, but some are not. Like alligator and snake and shark, which we both have had. And after I made a (hilarious) joke, we both laughed and then got quiet. Shit. But it isn’t like we caught the damn things and brought them home to cook, having no idea about their origins or history. We were at restaurants – restaurants that weren’t in Third World countries (mostly). Restaurants that have to source their ingredients from reputable places. They were probably farmed somewhere, thus eliminating any possible human meals.

What animals are most likely to have eaten a person? Alligators, big big snakes, komodo dragons, hyenas, wild dogs, big cats (like lions and panthers), vultures. That’s an easy list to avoid for the future.

I’ve been into fashion for as long as I can remember so thinking about how my style has evolved was a lot of fun.

3 – 6:
I liked dresses with white, pink, or red polka dots. I loved Mary Jane shoes (I had pairs in brown leather, black cloth, red cloth, and red with white polka dots). I liked white ankle socks with ruffles – especially when worn with my Mary Janes. Favourite outfit: White button up short sleeve shirt (slight ruffle on the collar and sleeve if I remember correctly), tucked into a pair of pastel yellow cropped pants, brown leather Mary Jane shoes with white ruffle ankle socks, and a small red purse (which usually contained candy and stickers).

7 – 9:
Loose top/snug skirt sweater dresses. Shirts featuring pictures of fruit or other clothing items. And anything I was allowed to tie-dye. Oh – and since I didn’t have my ears pierced, I used to make big earrings out of construction paper (or candy wrappers!) and double sided tape!

9 – 11:
Slouch socks, acid wash jeans safety pinned to fit like skinnies, jean jackets.

11 – 13:
As punk as I could understand/was allowed to leave the house in. I had a pair of red jeans that I cut a handprint out of on the right butt cheek and sewed material under. They sound kind of horrifying now, but they were awesome. I had a couple pairs of jeans that I’d added a second band and belt loops to, and then would wear two belts. A lot of bracelets (all at once). Brooches! I don’t know how I figured them for punk, but they worked somehow. From the ages of about 10 onward I was desperate for a pair of 10 hole Docs, but was never allowed to have them, then by the time I could just buy them myself I didn’t want them anymore.

14 – 18:
I don’t think I wore a single skirt/dress throughout highschool. Possibly because I wore a kilt as part of my school uniform, but who knows? I also didn’t own any T-shirts, except for the ones for gym class/sports. I had a lot of green in my wardrobe, and a bunch of vintage clothing ‘borrowed’ from my parents. Now they’re called ‘boyfriend wear’ but 20 years ago they were just ‘Dad’s old clothes.’ Favourite items: my dad’s corduroy jackets, my mom’s velvet blazers, my first ever black leather motorcycle jacket, and a green hooded silk blouse.

19 – 22:
Boots! Snug, low rise, boot cut jeans. Favourite accessory: my (now long gone) ridiculously amazing abs.

23 – 26:
Lots of slim fitting above the knee dresses, solids, anything but pastels, high heels, high neck blousey halter tops, wide leg pants, skinny jeans and boot cuts, hats, a lot of leather. No – A LOT of leather. Favourite items: my black leather pencil skirts.

27 – 28:
Whatever fit! (Ulcerative colitis – I lost a LOT of weight!)

29 – 31:
This was the most boring fashion phase for me. Everything was worn to minimise any body changes that might be going on, so I’d never look too thin or too pouffed. I think I looked pretty good, but I can’t say I was actively choosing a style here. Boot cut jeans and turtleneck sweaters were heavily involved. I probably bought about half my current shoe collection during this time, some were cheapo shoes, but a lot were way not cheapo shoes – which means that during the time that I wore almost nothing, I spent the most I’ve ever spent on my wardrobe.

32 – present:
I’m kind of all over the place now it seems, I guess because my figure is stable and I can play with my clothes again without surprises. Loose dresses, snug dresses, flouncy skirts, snug skirts, skinny jeans, boot cuts, high waisted, low waisted, wide leg trousers, button up shirts and ties, silk blouses, edgy jewellery, slim fitting jackets/blazers, basic prints, I’m actually carrying bags and purses now and again, nail art. I don’t think the next phase will be anything new, more like whatever’s left once this phase gets some editing.