C.T. Thomas @ GurgleSlurp.com


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Why I’m not a lesbian (pt. 2)
November 27, 2012

Who would kill the spiders? There’s a time and place to be a dainty little girl, and that time is when there’s a spider in the house. Would the house just fill up with crawly things? Would we eventually just have to move? I’m not talking about flies or ants, I’m not an invalid, I can take care of those. I mean the bugs with all the legs that scramble across the floor faster than I can panic. Those are meant for boys to deal with.

Would that be considered as one of the household chores that get divvied up? I’ll take out the garbage, and you’ll kill all the bugs. I’ll do the laundry, you’re in charge of managing the crawly situation. Maybe a coin toss? Rock paper scissors? I’m willing to get close enough to cover them with bowls and cups, and I suppose the vacuum is a good disposal method. Except eventually someone has to change the vacuum bag, which by the time it needs changing could be teeming with maybe not so dead bugs. Teeming!

They may not have boobs, but boys kill bugs.


Sometimes boys have boobs.


It’s better when they don’t.

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Accidental cannibalism?
November 20, 2012

If I feed my mint plants mint tea, doesn’t that kind of make them cannibals?

What is the likelihood that exotic/wild type animals have ever eaten a person? And how much time needs to pass before a person can safely eat that animal without feeling like a cannibal? I ask this because of the conversation I just had with my father about the weird things we’ve eaten or would eat if presented with the opportunity. We’re both pretty adventurous eaters who will try most things, many of those things are herbivores, but some are not. Like alligator and snake and shark, which we both have had. And after I made a (hilarious) joke, we both laughed and then got quiet. Shit. But it isn’t like we caught the damn things and brought them home to cook, having no idea about their origins or history. We were at restaurants – restaurants that weren’t in Third World countries (mostly). Restaurants that have to source their ingredients from reputable places. They were probably farmed somewhere, thus eliminating any possible human meals.

What animals are most likely to have eaten a person? Alligators, big big snakes, komodo dragons, hyenas, wild dogs, big cats (like lions and panthers), vultures. That’s an easy list to avoid for the future.

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Christmas already?!
November 15, 2012

A few years ago, maybe 2006?, my sister and I decided that this whole buying Christmas gifts for our parents was totally crap, and we weren’t having any more of it. Instead we made the Christmas Dinner the gift. Until then we had always had turkey et al for Christmas dinner; now we put together a 7 course meal complete with wine pairings. I act as the chef, and my sister is the sommelier. Each year we pick a theme and base the menu around it; we’ve had a cheese theme, a seafood theme, and this year we decided on:


A Time for Luxury: 7 courses, 6 drinks, much merriment


The drink: Champagne

The Amuse Bouche – Mini escargot quiche

The Appetizer – Caviar on toast points


The drink: probably a Sherry, but really, whatever is good to soak chestnuts in

The Salad – Roasted chestnut, apple, and squash with Boston lettuce, warm goat’s cheese, and a vinaigrette


The drink: something with alcohol, who gives a shit by this point?

The Soup – Creamy mushroom soup with truffle oil (because as much as I love my parents, I’m not buying actual truffles)


The Sorbet – Champagne sorbet (though this time it’ll just be something cheap and bubbly)


The drink: some sort of white wine

The EntrĂ©e – Lobster Newberg with some sort of vegetable and either saffron rice or saffron mashed potatoes


The drink: Sweet warm milk with brandy

The Dessert – Chocolate 3 layer cake, vanilla bean cream, strawberry filling, dusted with edible gold


Should be yummy!

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Don’t drink the water
November 13, 2012

I grew up with my parents and my older sister in a small suburb. We lived within walking distance of a school so it is no surprise that there were a lot of children in our neighbourhood. On the straight stretch of the street I grew up on there are maybe 50 houses. As far as I can remember there were about 25 kids about my age (5 years older or younger) who lived there for a long while. I was aware of but wasn’t friends with everyone, spending most of my time with the girl across from us, but my parents were friends with a few other families on the street.

I’m 34 now and haven’t kept track of most of the people I went to school with, and even less so with the people who I shared a straight stretch of neighbourhood with. But of the people I know of: one family has a son a couple years older than me who died of cancer – I don’t know what type. They have a daughter who is maybe 5 years older than me who has either diabetes or an immune condition. The family who lived right next door to us has a daughter my age who died of cancer about a decade ago – Hodgekins I think, and a son a couple years older than me who was just diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. Ulcerative Colitis is the auto immune disease that I was diagnosed with in 2007.

That seems like a lot of kids on the same street with serious diseases.

I’m going to put a list together of everyone else who grew up there, send a few emails, make a few calls, and see how far this thing goes. I have to admit, this freaks me out a bit.


Water woes
November 9, 2012

The plumber came, we ran the laundry machine, the dishwasher, turned on every tap, flushed every toilet … and nothing. No leak. The conclusion? It wasn’t a burst pipe, it was the laundry machine. Despite the total lack of water near the machine, it was draining when the leak started, so it seems the only suspect. So I ran a load, nothing. Another load, nothing. A third load, and nothing. And now a fourth load. Why won’t the machine leak again? How did it leak in the first place? Why do our laundry machines hate us? I don’t put gross things in there. We don’t have orgies, we don’t mud wrestle, we don’t have pie eating contests, we shower daily – there’s no reason for our laundry machines to rebel against us. Now and again I’ve failed to fully empty a pocket and ran a laundry with a Werther’s hard candy or a Kleenex in it, but that couldn’t be reason enough, could it?

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